May 2024

The Dirty Gerund Poetry Show is a weekly open mic at Ralph's Rock Diner on Grove Street in Worcester. I am the house band leader and a regular performer. Any and all are welcome to sign up to express themselves creatively with this loving and supportive community. Open mic list goes up at 8pm, the show starts at 9pm.

In Reflection:

Being Better

I've mentioned in a previous newsletter how practicing at home has always been a challenge for me. In an attempt to encourage myself, I found myself a saxophone teacher at the end of March. I've only seen him twice so far, and he seems like a really cool guy. But even with the homework he gave me, I still had a hard time getting myself to practice. 

One Friday in April, a week after I had put off my next lesson, I found myself with an open schedule. I went down to the bread bakery Andrew works at, Bread Guy Breads [link] in North Grafton, to drop off a loaf of pickle bread [link to article] and pick up a cheddar garlic loaf. I decided on a whim to grab a sausage roll on the way out and find a nice sunny spot to sit and enjoy it. 

A few miles down the road is a pond that Andrew and I have visited several times for a brief walk. I set up the camping chair that I always keep in my car on an edge of the pond, gnoshed on my second breakfast, and journalled to loosen up the tangled ball of yarn in my brain. Below is my stream of consciousness from that journal entry, in which I attempt to figure out just what the heck my problem is:

I'm a little frustrated with myself for not finding time to practice. I'm still 

unsure why it's difficult for me to get started.I know that once I do, I can easily go for at least an hour. I tried leaving my horn out and ready to grab; finding a teacher to give me homework; giving myself homework and more songs to learn; I think I need to try putting it in my digital calendar a week in advance. Even 30 minutes is better, heck even 10 minutes is better than not at all. Because I do want to get better, be better, preserve my skills. I have to treat practicing like I do my preparations for my tutoring sessions, and I have to take them as seriously, since I'm also making $$$ with this skill. Now that the weather is warming up, I can practice in the storage room again. I wonder if part of my hesitation is due to my discomfort in the dining room. I still worry about what those who can hear me think. That might still be leftover from my mother's impact, and therefore difficult to unlearn.

And then I think about the greats that I've listened to. how Bird would practice the same lick in all 12 keys; how Miles altered the course of music several times in his career; how Monk broke every theory rule in the book but still became a legend; I wish I had drive like that. Or do I? I know that music will not be the only thing I pursue in life. I'm hoping it will eventually be the most lucrative, but I won’t get there if I don't practice!!!

When a day off like today comes around, I tend to think I should use it for rest, take it easy and replenish my energy. Practicing feels like work, which makes me not want to. But don’t I always say that I love playing so much that it never feels like work? Why is that different at home? If I had drive like Bird or Miles, would practicing not feel like work? I remember how playing felt when I was practicing regularly, and I know how it feels when I'm not. I want to get better, be better, which means I have to practice. Even if my audience loves me and receives me well when I don't. I think I've been using that to excuse my lack of practicing. If they can't tell, I’m getting away with doing the bare minimum. I only ever did the bare minimum when my mom forced me to do something, or anyone for that matter. But I know that when I'm driven, I'm an overachiever. So who do I feel is making me practice? My high school teachers? My private teachers? The pros? Is it leftover from mom? Is it a combo thereof?

I’m gonna schedule it in my Google calendar. Not every day, but on days where I have ample time. Fridays, Tesdays, Wednesdays, sometimes Sunday. Not Mon, Thurs, or Sat. Three days a week is a good start, even for 10 minutes. My goal is to keep my promise to myself and pick up the horn to play it at the times I said I would. I will be better, for myself and therefore everyone else. 

It’s only been two weeks since that journal entry, but having practice sessions scheduled into my day has really helped so far; it’s time that I set aside, versus picking up my horn if I find that I have time. I also keep a journal to log what challenges I need to work on in the next session and to note my improvements and successes. And posting about it, sending my thoughts out into the ether, helps hold me accountable. I made a promise to myself, and I intend to keep it. After all, practice makes proficient!