February 2024

The Dirty Gerund Poetry Show is a weekly open mic at Ralph's Rock Diner on Grove Street in Worcester. I am the house band leader and a regular performer. Any and all are welcome to sign up to express themselves creatively with this loving and supportive community. Open mic list goes up at 8pm, the show starts at 9pm.

In Reflection:

Musical Confidence

As a kid, my mom used to insist on listening to me practice. She would want to sit in the room with me, and would ask me to play a song for her. Sometimes, without my knowing at first, she would sit on phone calls with her friends outside my closed bedroom door so they could hear me play too. Other times, when I was unmotivated to practice, she would break my arm to make me, which only discouraged me further. This severely affected my confidence as a musician, and made practicing at home a challenge. I didn't have a safe space to just play without worrying about what other people thought of my sound. 

I also didn't have the sophisticated vocabulary at the time to tell her how much I fucking hated her overinvolvement with my activities. I'm the type of learner that just needs time to sit with a task independently and figure it out at my own pace. I didn't know this about myself at the time, because every time she would step in when she thought it best, the message I received was “you're not doing it right, here let me show you.” 

I was a timid player in high school. I constantly worried that my other classmates at ECA thought I wasn't as good as them, that my teachers thought I didn't belong there. Without that crucial practice space at home, overcoming that imposter syndrome was virtually impossible. I loved playing in bigger ensembles because it was easier to hide myself in my section. Smaller ensembles led by a teacher were okay too. But self-led ensembles? Forget it, I'm not good enough to stand out like that, let alone take on a co-leadership role. 

This mindset is also what pushed me to pursue mathematics and education in college instead of music. I didn't think that I had the chops to be a musician for a living, nor did I believe it to be a lucrative enough career for me. I felt a little odd among all my ECA classmates, who were all shipping off to Berklee, Julliard, The New School. I didn't even try out for any of those schools. Was I certain that I wanted to become a math teacher or was I not confident enough to take that risk?

Don't get me wrong, I do not regret the paths that have led me to my current one. I'm thankful to have a Masters and a few years running a classroom under my belt. My time as an administrative assistant allowed me to hone my organizational skills, digitally and tangibly.  I'm still using all that knowledge today in the work I do to make my living. The regret that I do feel is that I didn't take full advantage of the resources available to me in high school. I simply was not ready for them yet. And that's okay, there's no way I could have known that at the time, especially with my home situation. I'm in the process of forgiving myself for that, now that I've moved out of my mom's house and allowed my brain to fully develop. 

My time in the Dirty Gerund house band has been instrumental (pun intended) in rebuilding the skills I lost during the years I wasn't motivated to play. Joining a new community was an opportunity to reinvent myself, to shrug off my insecurities and really put myself out there. Little me would have been absolutely perplexed to join a band that improvises for the entire night. And admittedly, I felt that in my first few weeks. But I settled in, and soon enough I felt the urge to start practicing at home again. Gotta make sure I know all my scales, that I can play in any key that the guitar player might choose. My ear improved with each week, and that led me to learn some of my favorite songs as a fun personal challenge. Then that skill improved, and my repertoire grew. At last, I've reached my final boss: collaborating.

Current Creative Endeavors

Musical Collaboration

During the month of January, I began to collaborate with fellow musicians in my community. We’re still in the beginning stages, but a start is a huge step for me.

Tasteless Jack  

Jack and I both started working at North High School in the same year, 2019. I really admired his teaching style; he had such a natural way of connecting with his students. We were assigned lunch duty together, and our friendship blossomed from there. We lost touch when I left North in 2021, but as fate would have it, we found each other again; coincidentally, both as musicians! The Dirty Gerund became our new hangout spot, and he’s even stepped in to play with the house band. 

This dude is a champion songwriter, his YouTube channel is an absolute wealth. I applaud his entrepreneurial drive and musical tenacity; his strengths compliment mine well and we make a solid team. 

We had our first meeting this month, and he walked me through one of his originals, “Haunted.” Jack has a unique approach to songwriting; he says he hears it all in his head and makes it sound good, transcending traditional music theory. As someone who is a little more versed in music theory, working with Jack really pushed me out of my comfort zone and gave my ears a good workout. It also was a great learning experience for both of us as we figured out how to combine our skills and effectively communicate throughout our session. Below is the product of this collaboration:

The Bruce Springsteen to my Clarence Clemons
 

I first met Jesse at the Space Jam at Electric Haze, a weekly open jam on Wednesdays, in the summer of 2023. We were among the very few non-male queer folks in that room, so we hit it off immediately. They joined the rotating cast of Gerund house band members shortly after. 

We first discovered our musical compatibility when they asked me to step in for a solo on their cover of Otis Redding’s “Merry Christmas Baby” at a December Gerund show. We both love soul music and expressing that love through covers of our favorite Motown hits. We each compiled a list of tunes we could potentially play together and threw them all into a collaborative Spotify playlist. 

Our first jam session started with breakfast and a chat in their living room. We shared stories from our college experiences, current and former places of employment, and families over egg sandwiches and caffeinated beverages. Our first two covers came together easily, which we performed that very evening at the Dirty Gerund. I played the melody for “Heard It Through The Grapevine” and they sang “(Your Love Keep Lifting Me) Higher and Higher” while I played the horn parts. 

Two weeks later, we branched out into folk tunes. For the final January Dirty Gerund show, we covered CCR’s “Down On The Corner” and Pete Seeger’s “Solidarity Forever,” the latter an homage to the educators of Newton, MA that were on strike at the time (click here to donate to the NTA). This time, I sang both of those tunes - an even bigger step out of my comfort zone that was met with rousing acclamation!  

Conclusion
 

The music that I make with others is rooted in my friendships with them; our commonalities created the foundation, which made me feel comfortable enough to take these creative risks. Both of these experiences have inspired me to not only continue with these friends, but to seek out others (hit me up, y’all!). Music is, and always has been, a communal activity, and it’s a beautiful thing. I’m finally satisfying a desire I’ve had for many years. I’m still in the beginning stages, but I can’t wait to see where this journey leads me.